tifi

I will have left Texas to go back to the East Coast for good! It’s been hard not blogging about preparing to move, especially with so many other people I know moving and going through the same things. But I felt it best to talk about it after it was already done, which is the way I do most things. Right now I’m  scared, anxious, and excited. I’m hopeful, I’m curious, I’m feeling so many different things that I want to laugh, cry, and scream all at the same time.

I hope that our life in our new city will be more filled with joy, peace,and family than when we were in Texas. People have asked if I will miss Texas. No, I doubt it. But I will miss the few great friends I made there, they know who they are. I will miss my neighbors who genuinely loved my kids. And I will miss the wildflowers in the springtime. But I will not miss the heat. I will not miss the crazy allergies I had there. I will not miss not having many cultural activities or arts programs. And not having museums, I won’t miss that. The thing I definitely will not miss is the stress we had, especially in the past three years. Boy, the things that don’t get blogged could fill a book, no?

Anyway, I am taking a little blogging break now to learn my new place and hopefully to enjoy my summer out of doors for the first time in 10 years!

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This is an auto-post and the last few have been too. So if they seem disconnected, now you know why.

• The bump on ZB’s head turned out to be ringworm.
• I got the blue screen (hopefully not of death) on my computer.
• The kids’ doctor’s office informed me that I have a balance, and it turns out they submitted claims to my insurance company late. I’m not paying a thing!
• ZB had his honor roll ceremony.
• I started jumping through hoops trying to get a proctor and set up my exam for my first class.
• I realized the bug bite on my neck is ringworm too.

I’ve been wanting to try wearing a face full of makeup for a while, and finally got up the courage to do so. In this photo, I am wearing concealer, foundation (more like a tinted moisturizer), eye shadow, eye liner, mascara, blush and lip gloss. Phew. I learned a few things, like my eyes are probably too small for me to wear black eyeliner. My eyes all but disappear. Also, I’m gonna need to practice blending around the forehead.

Yesterday was field day which is always a blast.

School mom: “Your daughter is so cute, she looks like a dollbaby!”

Appropriate response: “Aw, thanks!” :-D

My response: *chuckle chuckle* “Yea, well, you know, it’s funny you should say that, b/c there is actually a doll with a name similar to hers, and so I bought her that doll b/c of the name similarity, and everything, and now she plays with it in the tub, and the others, she named after her friends, and, and, and…”

School mom: “….huh, interesting!” *runs away*

1. My phone died after falling in the toilet, but before it died, there was a ringtone. I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred. Don’t act like you don’t remember it! I thought it would be funny, but I just ended up being embarrassed whenever my phone rang.
2. I am enjoying school so far although I am going to have to write lot, and lots, and lots of papers. Joy.
3. I am so excited about Sex and the City: the movie! Everyone I know who is a fan (including myself) has been busy trying to plan out their outfit for the movie and putting together a Girl’s Night Out!
4. I need new sandals really badly. My favorite pair talks when I walk, lol.
5. I’ve been having tooth pain again. I know I should go to the dentist. I’m not afraid, I’ve just been too lazy to schedule an appointment. I should get on that…

• I got all set to start school again. I start an elementary education program tomorrow! All online. I am excited and determined to finish. At first, I thought I would do that, then get my MLS to become a librarian, but now, I am thinking of becoming a teacher after all. I know it’s twee and all, but maybe I’ll end up being someone who can make a difference.
• I took ZB to the neurologist about those headaches he’s had over the past year plus. She doesn’t think anything is seriously wrong, but she wants to do an MRI just to be sure. He also has a prescription for Maxalt now. I don’t know if I’m going to fill it though.
• We went back to the ADHD specialist, and I was pretty disappointed. He felt that meds were the way to go and that anything else wouldn’t work. What? Otay. Totally ignoring his advice and doing things my way (possible dietary changes, lots of exercise as usual, yoga, maybe acupuncture, maybe some other holistic stuff). The best thing to come out of this diagnosis deal has been getting ZB’s teacher to lay off.
• I’ve become a vegetarian. I’ve been “almost” vegetarian for a while now, rarely eating meat, but now I’ve cut it out all together. I don’t miss it at all. I don’t know if I’ll stay vegetarian, but I’m happy for now and trying to make sure I get all the proper nutrients.
• I have been purging more crap from around the house. Why does it feel so good to get rid of things you don’t need? I always tell DH that I don’t want to be one of those people that when I die, my family has to sort through loads of my junk. I am always working towards simplicity.
• I’ve had a lot of fun with my family including a field trip to the zoo with Kindy and 2nd grade. Pics to come, of course.

I think my mother forgets that I am not just her daughter. I am a mother, too. Every morning, I wake up and make breakfast. I supervise tooth brushing, and hair combing. I sign permission slips. I go to the playground, and to the library. In the afternoons, I help with homework, I make dinner, I rehash the school day. I ask nicely, and then I yell. I stay up late with sick kids. I clean throw-up and give medicine. I worry, I try not to worry. I am a mother, too. I research, I learn. I make the decisions I think are best for our family. I take them out, I show them things, I teach them. This is what mothers do.

Yet when I talk to my mother about things I feel are affecting my family and how I plan to address them, she discounts my opinion. Just because I do things differently, does not make what I do less right. It would be nice to have a mom who offers encouragement and advice rather than basically implying that I’m doing it wrong. It makes me feel 5 years old again, and then, I just want to cry. But instead, I get angry, I get huffy, I hang up the phone. I wonder if she knows how much it would mean to hear her say that I’m doing ok. That I have not screwed them up for life. That despite all my faults, I have pretty great kids, and that in part, it is because of me. Because I am a mother, too, and what could connect me more to my own than the sense of camaraderie that mothers share?

The other day Girlie and I were talking about adulthood. She told me that she didn’t want to work when she grew up. I asked her why and she said she wanted to be a SAHM like me. I think some SAHMs would’ve been flattered, even proud, but I was alarmed. I told her that I wanted her to do whatever would make her happy (within reason), but I’d rather she didn’t become a SAHM. Ah, good old conditional love. Of course, in the end, it won’t be my decision, but still. I told her I wanted her to continue to be a strong, independent person, and that I thought SAH was a bad idea. Yep, I said it. She asked me why, and this is basically what I told her (edited, of course, for a 5 y/o):

Being an at-home mom has been a struggle for me. On the one hand, I love being able to go to every school event if I want to, not having to worry about childcare/what will happen if one of the kids get sick, and everything else that comes along with that. In fact, my mild paranoia (which some close to me think has no basis in reality) is one of the main reasons I’ve stayed at home. To a certain degree, I can protect them, and know they are completely safe in my care. Sending them to school required a lot of letting go: yes, I’m a control freak, too, but I seem to have gotten over that.

On the other hand, the isolation, dis-empowerment, and financial struggles I have faced sometimes make it difficult for me to look around and say “Yes, this is worth it. I love being home with my kids.” In fact, I’m looking for work as we speak, and have been for a while. Of course, I want my daughter to do what’s best for her and her family (if she has one) but what I think is best is colored by my experience.

I somehow wonder how I ended up here, a young mother of three in small town hell when I come from a background of strong, creative, business minded women. My great-grandmother raised three children alone after their father was killed (or so the story goes). My grandmother was a teacher, a wife, a mother of 9 who still managed to knit, crochet, sew, and otherwise create things to sell, and give time to help the less fortunate (which she is still doing). My mother left her home country, and left her children behind for a year so she could establish a life for us in New York. A life filled with better opportunities, financial, cultural, and otherwise. I am nothing, I feel like nothing compared to these great women who have come before me, and I am ashamed, embarrassed that I don’t live up to the family name so to speak.

And so I don’t want that for my daughter. I want her to be the kind of woman, the kind of mom, that she can be proud of, that I can be proud of. Yes, we should live in a society where raising is a family is more valued, but I certainly don’t feel I am doing anything life changing. Generations of women have come before me and done the same thing. I have no illusion of specialness. I know I am still young and have plenty of time to change things, to become everything that I want, but I’m impatient. I wish I had done things differently, so that I could be where I want right now instead of a few years down the line.

Sure, this seems heavy for a five year old girl, and of course, I didn’t get this far into it, but I wish my mom had talked to me this way. I wish I had been more prepared for the realities of adulthood. When I was a kid, I looked so forward to becoming an adult. Now that I am, I wish I could go back!

This is probably the part that I’m supposed to say that I wouldn’t change anything because everything I’ve done has led me up to this very stage of my life, but I would be lying then.

Shorts, umbrellas, parkas, mittens, sandals: all items we’ve needed to wear one day or another in the past week. We’ve had spring, summer, fall, and winter in the past seven days. It even snowed last Friday. Nuts. Oh, I got that job, but I’m not going to take it. Long story short, it’s just not a good fit for my life. I had a meeting for my group yesterday, and it was quite disappointing (only one other person came). I’m the sole person responsible for it right now, and it takes up a fair amount of time, and for what results? Hopefully, things will improve with time. Anyway, pics…

Iz. She probably thought I had a treat for her or something, lol.

Spirit, a.k.a Green Dog. We have a love/hate relationship. He loves me, I hate him, heh.

Girlie loves to paint. She told me this was the two of us, and I was holding a tennis racquet. Otay.

The kiddos in our “snow”, lol.

I found Girlie wearing my cardigan and we decided to kick it up a notch, hehe. The suitcases behind her hold fabric. The one with the stickers is my fav, and I got it for $1!

Friday, ZB had a field trip. I was a little worried as he had been nervous riding that far away on a schoolbus (an hour), but he wound up having a great time. Reesie asked me out for coffee Friday morning, so we went to our usual spot for baked goods and sweet warm drinks. Mmmm.

Saturday was another wonderful day as I did two new things for the first time. The first, and most important thing was meeting Yolanda! We met online about six years ago, but Saturday was our first time meeting in person. She came down to help me with my open house (she’s a member of the same group) and I was so thankful! I had been quite nervous about the event beforehand, but having her there really helped. It turned out a lot better than I thought it would. Granted, I thought no one would show up, lol, so my hopes weren’t very high. But it was nice. Afterwards, the two of us went to my favorite BBQ spot, Rudy’s. More mmmm. She’s just as wonderful in person as online and over the phone. But I already knew that she would be.